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Where is my Mind

Can I be the Hobbes to your Calvin?

9/26/08 09:59 pm - Holy crap...

Just found a ghost from my past on Myspace. I don't know whether it was a bad idea to friend him or not. We were like best friends for a couple years, but when he left Japan it ended badly. It's probably been long enough to just forget about it all (9years). Also we were like 15 at the time.. but still, my first impulse was "oh hey that's cool," but now I am thinking "maybe I didn't want to do that."

I've been trying to make a balance between letting people into my life, letting myself be open, and not letting the trouble through. It's freaking hard.
Current Mood: bored

9/26/08 06:29 pm

Got that promotion I was supposed to get over a year ago. *le sigh* Minimal raise, but enough to at least make me afford gas without freaking out. And possible benefits, depending on how many hours they can scrounge up for me.

Now the hard part is going to be telling Louella that I can no longer work Thursdays for her because she hasn't had a Thurs appointment for me in months and I need to pick up another day at Brookstone. It's not that I feel bad about it, I just don't want to argue with her because I keep taking time off on the days I'm supposed to be on call for her. I like doing massages, but the work is so unsteady that I cannot rely on it to be there at all. But if it were there for me one or two days a week, while I'm working full time elsewhere, it would be sweet to be making an extra 100 to 200 a week.

But having to do my own business taxes at the end of the year kinda sucks, especially since I was supposed to file quarterly and didn't. Oops.

God, I can't wait to be making a little bit more money. How pathetic does that seem? Just a little tiny bit more.. But hey, this way I can at least go to the doctor if it so happens that I get another weird rash on my leg that looks like I was stung by a scorpion in my sleep.

In other news, apparently I've been reading so much that I am ignoring Scott. Another oops. When I get involved with books or video games to any degree, I usually get obsessed and end up ignoring everything else. Hehe.

I want to have a camp-out sleep over in my back yard as soon as the weather clears up. I have a wood burning stove in my back yard we can use to make smores and roast dogs and mallows, and we can use my tents and sleeping bags and play raucous music and drink and what-not. Just, everyone has to promise that they won't sleep-walk into the pool..... And the fence will be double-locked to prevent drunken walking into traffic behind my house. What's everyone think??

9/24/08 01:42 am - Frustrated

( Frustrations... )

Cut in case you only wanna see sunshine and happiness.
I am sleepy, but still happy coz I got a little message from the company I applied to be a legal secretary for. Really they were only asking me to change the format on my resume/cover letter so they could read it, but at least she made an effort to look, so that's cool.

And I just finished reading that lovely new teen Vampire Romance soft-core porn novel, Twilight! It's fantastic for a fast and fun read. I can't wait to get my hands on New Moon. Hopefully tomorrow.
Current Mood: stressed

8/11/08 11:42 pm - Boring!!

RARRRR I am going to make some new icons soon. When I get a new job and have a single day off.
Current Mood: cranky

8/10/08 11:31 pm - not really thinking

I've been finding it hard to keep up with all of the online typing these days. There's this, facebook, myspace.. email, license applications.. Just too much writing for my tiny brains these days.

This weekend I got a Wii Fit, used it for hours, got ready for clients that cancelled on me at the spa, saw Batman in the iMax theatre, ate chinese food, took a Hot Stone Massage class, went to a baseball game (13 innings, 6pm to 10pm, and Speedy signed my Daniel Briere hat-I wanted to kill him), went to church, spent all afternoon and night at inventory at work.

That was Thursday-Sunday, totally booked up. Also, I am very sore. And bloaty from over-eating. It was totally worth it.

Yes, I am still vegetarian. I'm having a hard time with vegan, but my skin is wreaking havoc again now that I am eating dairy.

I'm trying to apply for like, 5 new jobs. But I'm having a hard time finding time to apply. I spent way too much money this month already (yes, in the last 10 days), so I can't really take any time OFF work, but I'm not making enough to keep working there, either. Wow, what a predicament. Stupid jobs.

I guess that's pretty much it. Love y'all.
Current Mood: sleepy

4/28/08 01:18 am - Lots of thoughts lately

I love that Scott will listen to me when I am having an attack of worry or depression, or just a fit of sadness. Even if it's over nothing at all. I love that he tries to be consistent. He's amazing when he's determined. His love for me is the most unconditional I have ever experienced. (Romantically.) He really expects nothing from me, and gives me everything.

Just thought I'd say that even after 6 years he's surprising me and winning me over every day.

The things us ladies do ( to be presentable... )
Whew, that one was long.

I'm working on being more confident. (But not arrogant.) I caught myself a good five times wanting to put myself down in this entry alone.. that's in my journal that people read. Imagine what I think that never gets said! So anyway, I think it's time for me to really start loving myself. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's all more self-improvement bull, but no really.. I need this. As Penma Chodron said, "I don't want to die bleeding to death from scratching." I want to learn to live in the moment again, and be still, and feel without judging or having to act.

I want to be able to say, "there's that feeling of emptiness, loneliness, hunger, longing for something self-destructive," and be able to feel the pain and fire of it wash over me without harming me. Understanding, knowing.. but ultimately learning to overcome these feelings with appropriate reactions. It might be easier if I went on vacation to do this, but I suppose that would defeat the purpose.
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Current Music: Where It's At
Current Mood: thankful

4/25/08 11:51 pm - yume ni naru~

I am so happy my computer is running so well again.. I still might have to do a defrag and clean out my files.. it's slow. The net is running so shitty right now, too.. I think I'd get better 'net if I just muched about on UD campus. Sure, I'd only get access to their website... Maybe I should just do all my surfing at Shaggy's or Brew-Ha-Ha. I'm not above becoming a coffee house rat.

So. Three hours of massaging today, and an hour tomorrow.. 5 appts thus far. I would not be too amazed if I got two walk-ins tomorrow. I kinda hope I do and kinda hope I don't. I'm really restless tired tonight and don't know how long it'll take me to go to sleep, and I might feel all sore tomorrow.. but on the other hand, money is very good for me. Very good.
( tedious money stuff )

For those of you who chose to avoid my money ramblings.. the sum of it all is this: I have vowed not to spend money I put in my savings account. I will get one or two more spa jobs so I can get out of brookstone and make decent money. But I have to do my homework and find places close by with decent clientel.

Also, I'm going to try to study Japanese again. I'd like to get to the point where I can read authentic manga or watch anime raws. Not for the purpose of those two acts, just because I feel as though, having lived there four years and studied japanese during that time, and two years in college, that I should know more than I do. I've forgotten way too much. And who knows, it might come in handy. I'm also thinking of getting the Spanish tutor for the DS. It looks helpful, and I know absolutely no Spanish. My whole life I've said I thought it was an ugly language, but I think I was full of shit. I think I just didn't want to take the time to learn a language that I thought people living in our country shouldn't have to know how to speak. Being older and more compassionate now (and generally enjoying language), I disagree with that point of view. :)

I should probably go to bed. I hope I get more appointments tomorrow.
Current Music: Driving Sideways~Aimee Mann
Current Mood: mellow

4/25/08 01:02 pm - i love DE in the spring time

OK,  so yesterday was a study of my impatience. I am impatient with people, and should learn to control my urges to criticize and make fun. 

Did not look for jobs. Did not exercise. Ate like crap, drank 3 beers. Whatever.

My computer froze in boot mode for a long time.. I turned it off and took out the battery, letting them "cool off". My iPod froze, too, in the middle of a Sync, so it said "Do Not Disconnect" for most of the day till it ran out of batteries. I reconnected it this morning, after my computer booted up correctly and I backed up my music... And for now all is right in the world again.

Depending on other factors.. when my current computer dies, I think my next computer will be a Mac. I've always been a PC person, but as long as computer make no sense to me right now anyway, I might as well try something completely different as see how I like it. I MIGHT go with an "Air" depending on the reviews. My current laptop is only 3 years old.. Middle aged in computer years, but not ancient yet. I can still fix it and soup it up. I might do a complete system recovery and just reorganize my files back onto the comp to see how it makes her run. 

I am also cosidering getting that awesome template that Margoyle has.. I have been itching to do some artsy stuff lately. 

For those who care, Rob W is coming home next Wednesday. We still do not know what we are doing for his homecoming. I'm thinking barbeque since he keeps telling me with a watering mouth that he want cheeseburgers as soon as he gets home. Cheeseburgers and DFH. Either way, this means next week we get to bust into the beer Scott made for his homecoming. Sweet.

I am trying to make as much money a I can in the next few weeks before I take my two weeks of vacation, not only so I can pay my bills over that time, and have a little money to spend when we are there and fun stuff.. But I am so over living at home that I am desperate to get out. I will work three jobs if need be. I plan on getting out by next Spring. Trust me, it will take at least that long. Unless some willing friend takes me under their wing and allows me to stay with them for like 200/mo, which would be UNREASONABLE for me to expect.. or ask.. At this point I would settle for living two to a one bedroom.. which would work out great if Scott were ready to move out, but he's not. So, whatever. 

Does anyone know of any relays/charities/tournaments that are happening soon? I am doing promotions on massage and would like to look at those groups. kthx luv ya bye
Current Music: Momentum- Aimee Mann
Current Mood: curious

4/24/08 11:24 am - Can't believe I was so attached..

 It's amazing how much I put the faith of my memories into things around me.. I can't remember more than half of the things I did in Japan without looking at journal entries or seeing things that I forgot people gave me or that I won at some stupid Pachinko arcade (the kids' version). I threw away old bus cards, phone cards, business cards, pictures, cards, letters, defunct jewelry, all my old paystubs.. a complete manicure set that never worked.. and donated this other stuff...


I kept trying to use Kristin's old mantra when throwing stuff away at the end of the year when moving out.. "if you can get another one, throw it out."

At one point I started crying when I threw out the old japanese receipts, the bus cards and phone cards and drink cards and movie rental cards... It was like admitting to myself that that was completely gone. Like saying to myself that I would forget those things and forget what Japan was like all together and never return. I know that's ludicrous.. but as I wrote in a letter last night, we are not rational beings, really. But, I thought this was stupid. And I thought that really, this is what I am doing.. trying to distance myself from the stuff, and become someone who appreciates people more. I've been taking them for granted a lot. That doesn't mean I have to love everyone, just act like I love the people that I love. I'm tired of this closed-off shit.

So. That was the easy part. My room looks much more bare, but not purged. It's time for me to go through my cd's and movies and games.. and then my trunk of stuff I keep from high school. And apply for a new job, get out of the house during the day, and then get out of the house. Moving is the pinnacle of my plan. Is that sad? And I'm 24? This time period sucks. 

So. Today I am going to compile a file of all of my massage records, and try to come up with a clientele list. I'm thinking about throwing out my old cards and getting new ones made up, with a thicker stock paper, and maybe some "linen" texturing and glossed lettering. I think I might be ready to start my own business soon; I just need to have a reliable (and attractive) room available. I might also work on those fliers I never made for the spa in the fall.. hehe, oops. 

And I'm going to look at Case Manager jobs and other psychology-related jobs available. If you know of any available in the area, let me know. kthx.
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Current Mood: contemplative

4/23/08 12:28 am - i plan to be the change i want to see

 I feel a spiritual purge coming on. Cut for annoying masturbatory self improvement speech.


I may or may not post about how that turns out. Did I mention I plan on writing more, too?

Y'know what they say: if you're bored, then you're boring. I've been bored for too long. Time to let go.
Current Location: freaking parents' house
Current Music: Like the Fast Lane- The Silos
Current Mood: something something

4/21/08 03:49 pm - I quit.

 

What are the symptoms?

Symptoms of nicotine withdrawal may include:

  • nervousness
  • trouble concentrating
  • depressed mood
  • nicotine craving
  • irritability
  • restlessness
  • headaches
  • drowsiness
  • upset stomach
  • slowed heart rate
  • increased appetite
  • shaky hands
  • trouble sleeping.

"The symptoms of withdrawal from nicotine may be intense, especially during the first 72 hours after your last use of tobacco."

72 hours?? My last cigarette was 2/26. I felt crappy for a couple weeks, great for about a month, and now I am irritable, depressed, hungry all of the time, and have had at least three dreams in which I am smoking. This never happened to me before, in the two or three times I had quit for months.. why do I think this is? Because I let myself cheat.. because I knew one day I'd probably have another again, so it wasn't a big deal. Quitting things for good is hard..

Also kudos to Rob and Amanda who have also quit, around the same time as I did.. and Scott, who has also been cigarette free for a month or so.

Also giving up eating sugar after 5, and any food after 7. I find I wake up much more easily when I eat less at night, and I go to bed easier, too. I did this a couple years ago and it worked out until I got bored. We'll see how it goes this time.

That is all.

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Current Mood: cranky

3/18/08 10:57 pm - Ho Hum

Things are still good.. this is week three without a cigarette. I won't lie, it's grating on me a little. I feel as though I've been replacing it with green tea, which I am told is great for weight, libido, and skin.. but it throws your hormones off balance. Specifically in women, causing testosterone production. (Thus the libido thing.) I'm trying to weigh my options here and find something else maybe healthier to replace it with? Maybe varying types of tea? Idunno. Anyone with ideas, let me know.

I find myself craving not cigarettes like I used to, but a clove here and there. Which, I'm sure would be ok... but I'm trying to convince myself that if I have one, I'll have a pack, and I will go through them like crazy.

The weird thing is that I've lost weight in the last three weeks, not gained any. Probably mostly due to the sickness that carried on for two weeks, but it's still different. Every other time I've noticed at least a 5 lb increase.

I also cannot stop chewing on my cheeks. They are in really bad shape. I was fine for the first two weeks now I need to satisfy an oral fixation I used to satiate by smoking for the last ten years on and off. Nothing else seems to work.. candy, even sugar free, makes my tongue hurt, gum chewing gives me headaches, and brushing my teeth just does not work.

I also want to say that I am impressed with Aveda, and the sales associate there for helping me find the right product for my face. The first time I used their sensitive line (cleanser, toner, and moisturizer travel set for 22.50) my skin felt instantly calmer. I don't have a red-ish looking complexion (did I have rashes and didn't know it?), and my scarring is beginning to fade a bit. My acne is a little better, but that could be because of the time of the month, so no credit for that yet. And today I picked up Doctor Bert's Blemish Stick which my best friend swears by, and she has sensitive skin as well. And I picked up some Neroli oil for my facial scars as well as to use in my more "mature" clients' massage oil. It's supposed to be great for skin cell regeneration, scarring, and broken capillaries. Who knows if it works yet, but it smells awesome. Like Bergamot with a spicy undertone.. kind of like bergamot and frankincense, maybe? I don't know, but most perfumes with oils in them use Neroli.

Oh well. Gotta work in tha morn. Toodles.
Current Mood: bouncy

3/13/08 06:37 pm - Writer's Block: Eliot Spitzer's Resignation

Do you think that Gov. Eliot Spitzer did the right thing by resigning his post due to his involvement with a prostitution ring?


View other answers

I didn't watch too much of the news regarding this, so I don't know that many details, however: if it is true that he heavily prosecuted the people of NY who engaged in the same kind of banking fraud as he was involved in to pay his high-priced call-girls.. yes. He was right to step down. Aside from that, I really wish they would keep these stories of adultry out of the press/media. All it does is serve to complicate an already-ruined family's life, and make his wife look like she should be the object of public pity. His personal issues with his sex life are none of our business, and frankly a man hiring a call girl should not be such cause for alarm. The chances of both parties in a marriage being 100% faithful are ridiculously slim, and thousands of men pay for sex every day.. Maybe millions, how do I know? Why is prostitution always referred to as the oldest profession? Because IT IS. Even the fact that it's illegal is hilarious.

We don't know what happened between Spitzer and his wife.. they may even have "an understanding." But as far as I'm concerned, if he was breaking the law by trying to cover his tracks, and being hypocritical in doing so.. yea, he should be gone.

And regarding the rant in the first paragraph: show me a faithful politician, and I'll show you a winged elephant.
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3/5/08 01:04 pm - Sickness update

I just thought I would voice that my prior decision was both good and bad. Bad, because after Saturday I got sick again and had a fever over 102 for about two days. So I didn't go back to work till Tuesday, and that seems like the only work I'm getting this week. Although it was good, because I made the money I needed to survive for two weeks with a crappy paycheck from my more regular job.

I still have some congestion in my chest and am coughing a lot. I hope that the four women I worked on Saturday have not gotten sick. And I really hope they don't blame me, because I really did feel fine on Saturday, and didn't think that I was still that sick. *facesmack*.

BUT! I have lost about 6 lbs since last Tuesday, which was unexpected and awesome. It also jump-started my detox, and I have not smoked or had any alcohol or desserts. Less intentionally than I would have liked, but it still counts if I keep it going on my own.

I did have a question, though.. how many of you have experienced itchy gums when you are recovering from illness? It seems that when I put anything in my mouth my gums get this unbelievably annoying itch to them that makes me want to avoid eating. My theory is that prior to getting sick I had such an oral fixation that I was "massaging" my gums a lot by chewing on everything and anything I could. It seems that in resting my mouth for a good week, something it's not used to at all, my gums have been "neglected" and it's actually a kind of tickle that I am feeling. I don't know though. Every time I say my gums are itching Scott
 tells me to lay off the crack. And my sister in law thinks I'm nuts.
Current Mood: busy

2/29/08 05:36 pm - Red Line Bottomed Out

Woke up in pain Wednesday morning, thinking it was a nicotine hangover. Just generally achy, and a slight pain in my sinuses. Went to work, then to Scott's house. He and his Dad were both sick, his Mom had just recovered from it. I figured I'd be ok, because I'm stupid. I tried to avoid getting sick by watching my hands, and trying to not kiss Scott. No avail.

Thursday I woke up in full throes of a fever and sinus headache and infection. I also had vertigo, but I still had to drive 45 minutes out to Silverside rd for an interview at a spa I'm probably not going to work at anyway (by my own choice). So I went to that, came home and told my mom I was getting my hair toned darker and she insisted on coming with me. I had to bully her into letting me make her an appointment at the same time so I wouldn't be waiting around for her. Then of course she wanted to shop around to which I replied no. And took her home. And went to Scott's.

For the rest of the afternoon and evening, we sat around shivering with high fevers, drinking OJ and not quite vomiting up chicken soup.

I feel I should mention that Saturday, tomorrow, I have four massages scheduled. I called Lou at the spa and told her not to schedule me anything Thurs, since I had a fever, but not to worry about Saturday. So, Thurs at 10:30pm I get a message from Lou saying she booked me a massage 10am Fri morn, and hopes I feel better by then, and oh BTW could I come in and open the spa for her since she will be late getting in? Normally I would not think twice to do this for her, but I could barely get out of bed, let alone get my ass to the spa and drip all over a client in the morning.. so I called back and left a message.. and worried all night that she wouldn't get it and we'd be up shit creek.

I get a call at 7:30am this morning saying, Oh, I got your message at 1am and didn't want to wake you.. I canceled the massage.. I hope you feel better... Which was great, because I got to sleep in and not worry about being sick all over a client.. but business is really dead.. and it was a couples massage.. 2 people.. and we lost those 2 because I was sick. I feel like shit about it. And I know she can't be happy about it even though she was gracious.

So I'm still eating soup and drinking OJ and taking echinacea even though my fever is gone and my sinuses aren't bleeding anymore. Even if I have so much as a sniffle tomorrow one of my clients might cancel when they see me. I have to be on top of things tomorrow.

I love my job, but I hate being on call. And getting sick, but who doesn't?
Current Music: It Doesn't Matter -Alison Krauss
Current Mood: drained

2/19/08 04:02 pm - YEAH, MOFOS!

I passed my national licensing exam!! I'm so glad I made plans to go out and celebrate on Thursday!

Ali Baba's, here I come..

But now I have to work on an updated resume. Haha... I have to resume my resume. What a weird word.

Anyway... YESSSS!!!
Tags:
Current Music: Dragon Ash ~ Life Goes On
Current Mood: accomplished

1/7/08 02:57 am

OK, I just had a fabulpous night of drinking a LOT on my own, sitting at home watching pirates of the carribbean,, I think I;ve had about 5 shots of Tattoo, and two Killians.. This after a rough day of Inventiry at work.. Forgive the spelling errors.. well you'll hVE TO because I refuse to edit my writing at the moment.

So what I have to say after all of that is this: Nothing in this world is permamnenet. Permanent. Yes. And in this inpermanent world we make choices about the things we find important. I find love and c ompassion important.. Even moreso than seeming really cool, and y'know that has to be the thing I desire the most in the world. So. Above seeming cool and desirable, I find the lost of those I love most important in the world... And I have to say.. of the people I've had issues with in the past, none of it matters to me. I love Kristin and Caroline and Mike, and everyone else. I can't think of a single person I actually have any beef with., I guess that's a good thing. Though they might find some kind of fault with me. Fair enough; I'm human. Damn.. typing vcan be hard.

But the point is.. I am having a blast at life. I'm making another attempt at quitting smoking, eating healthy. and exercizing. This time, even scott is going to join me, it seems. I don't think there is anything that can keep this smile from my face.

Current Music: I want you to want me
Current Mood: cheerful

11/29/07 04:31 am - blank pages

Open up your pages to me
I wanna read your book
The pages here, it's very clear,
have all been whitewashed,
isn't that true dear?
Open up your pages to me, 
I wanna take a look,
but then they've gone
and ripped them out, 
leaving me with nothing but words.

The book was full, it was
Full of life and freedom,
But the pages now are greek to me
Nothing now but chaos and anarchy.
I guess that's what it really is,
Life is all just chaos and anarchy.
But the chaos that pushes us down,
Makes our diamond edges sing to me.

Open up your pages to me, 
I want to write a book,
Something old, something new,
Something kinda deep 
that really rings true.
Open up your pages to me,
I do not think it's fair,
To have this life, 
To have this burden,
And never see what's up there.

Tags:
Current Music: Don't Let's Start-TMBG

10/7/07 11:29 pm - Song List

Some songs I love at the moment:
Colbie Caillat- Feelings Show, Little Things and Bubbly
Scissor Sisters-Don't Feel Like Dancing
Sarah Bareilles-Love Song
Feist-My Moon My Man, 1234
Elliot Smith-Miss Misery, Angeles, Between the Bars
Alicia Keys-No One

10/7/07 09:27 pm - weee

 I need a new job so bad. Brookstone sucks the life out of me and doesn't pay very much.

The wedding was FAN FREAKING TASTIC! I danced with Scott's mom and dad, and drank a screwdriver, appletini, 2 long island iced teas, champagne, and red wine. Everyone wanted to know when the wedding will be, what kind of dress I want to wear, what color, how many in the wedding party, what church, indoor/outdoor, kids allowed/adults only, etc. Steph and Erin said they want to plan the bachelorette party, but I don't even know who I want to be my Maid/Matron of honor! It could be Pippa, Megan, or Steph. For now. Idunno. I really hope everyone will be there.. 

So I had a weird dream this morning in which apparently I had to "share" Scott with someone else, and the whole time I kept thinking, "this isn't right, what's going on??" and my mother turned into an infant and I carried her around trying to figure out how to cure her.. Then I woke up and felt strangely refreshed. None of it was real. Scott is all mine, and I do not have to share any of him!! And my mom is a big girl and can take care of herself. Thank God. So I was quite happy this morning, until I went to wrk and had to deal with customers. Most of them were ok, minus the guy who tried to bully us into giving him free shipping on something and then insisted we hold a sale item for him at that price even though the sale ends today. Fuck you, man, buy it now on sale, or don't complain later. Buy it now and we'll hold it for you, or just pay the damn 18$ in shipping. We don't make this call. 

And then there was the too-young-for-a-frat asshole in a while teeshirt and baseball hat that kept mocking me. Every time I laughed, he would cough and make high-pitched girlie giggle noises. I know you're with your so-called friends, but you're just being an asshole, not even successfully showing off.

And this girl at work (who I actually really like) said I must be trailing negative energy, and there's something I have to let go of.. "What's going on in your life that's driving you nuts??" Actually, things are pretty good lately, I'm just not in the mood to deal with assholes. I don't need them in my life feeding me negative energy, so I don't want to be here. *shrug*

So anyway, to sum up.. Ted's wedding=love, Brookstone=no love, my dreams=strangely consoling.
Current Music: Colby Kalay(sp) won't get outta my head
Current Mood: chipper
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